WARM, DAMP, PETULANT BRAT
A REALITY TELEVISION SHOW ABOUT TWO GIRLS WHO LIKE THE SAME BOY & GET SUPER-CATTY ABOUT IT SO THE ONE GIRL RIPS ALL OF THE SEAMS ON THE OTHER GIRL’S KNOCK-OFF MARC JACOBS DRESS WHILE THE OTHER GIRL PUTS LAXATIVES IN THE ONE GIRL’S LIP GLOSS
Director’s Note: All of this is taking place in a bedroom which has a name on the door. The name is “Contemporary Poetry: The All-Star Babies: A Virtual Eurotrip Vacation.” & all of the cast members are wearing shirts with their names in the opposite language.
When I was like ten and grownups asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I used to tell them I wanted to be a socialite or a housewife. Some people think that children are clairvoyant.
When you are a kid you want to be something that is a real thing like “something with mother of pearl” which means you must be an object. Only objects get to use the word “with” and mean it when they are describing the fashioning of themselves.
An exorcism is the opposite of “with.” An exorcist is all about “get out” so like, you have to remove splinters and shards of glass but from people’s souls so it’s more like that game called operation where everything is exaggerated and made of plastic.
When you are a grownup which is when you say “Now I…” because you are not “going to be” you ask non-grownups THAT QUESTION because you want to take out their shapes and put them on. I think that’s mean. You shouldn’t stretch out other people’s clothes, then they can’t wear them anymore.
But if you just “want” & you don’t, then you get to be chat-room mean. Online, fat girls probably all pretend to be really skinny.
Everyone just wants their daddies to love them, so the girls have to wear rubber breasts and pretend to be sons. You have to apply for the position. Girlier girls are better at being sons.
Sometimes magic isn’t actually good, and people get inside of your head and say the thing you wanted to say and then you have to lovehate them.
Girls are all about lovehate. This is the central feminine kinship bondage. Why women who dress women put them in armor. They know they’re just going to scratch each other’s eyes out if they don’t get all of the attention and all of the coolest toys.
No, notnewunfriend. I will not share any of my toys with you. & if someone else isn’t paying attention I will take all of yours, too.
In the episode where we all put on reality glasses and go to Germany I am sitting on a blow-up couch filled with little pieces of star-shaped glitter and eating a bowl of fat-free coolwhip. I told you that your bowl of coolwhip was also fat free but actually it was filled with semen so you started having children fall out of your ears and the studio executives took them away before you got to bond and you didn’t even know why you felt so fat and empty but that’s why.
In Real Germany we pretend we are best friends & wear pigtails. You are really really good at consonants and better at wearing thigh high socks and being a victim. That’s because you’re only playacting. In Real Germany, playacting is the same thing as crying on stage in the American touring production of Little Orphan Annie, except you are a grown-up playing a child, and you are in Japan.
In the episode where we all go to Fake Germany to learn butchery we were outfits like Swedish barmaids and you accidentally strangle & then eat me.
“ –They are calling us monsters. / They go like: you monsters!”
The studio executives had to edit out all of the scenes when you were on the couch vomiting babies and you were wearing glasses so you could go to Real Paris Fashion Week.
Did you know when the series ends they are going to shut off the world? They are going to shut off the whole world. They can’t live without our drama.
About this entry
You’re currently reading “WARM, DAMP, PETULANT BRAT,” an entry on Blah Blah B*tCh3$zz
- September 3, 2011 / 6:42 pm